*clean away all ur sins. *






































*cool snapshot. windmill hair. haha *























*space saving carpark.. ah.. innovative in its purest form :D *


























*hiding from bull.. haha :D *
















* Mercedes. POWER ! *

A Man has Six Children
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.

The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

A Young Engineer
A young engineer was leaving the office at 6:00 pm
when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder
with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "This is important, and my
secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

Isn't that precious?
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

And again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked the Southern lady, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Oh my God! What on earth for?", asked the first woman.

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a sh*t?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

24 Hours to Live
After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars , but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going !'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the he at?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Talking Dog for Sale
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government."

"So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down."

"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars", says the owner.

The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Surgeon’s Preference
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.

The first surgeon said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second replied, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

The third added, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth one boasted, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”

Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

Do you know me?
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial --a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Birthday Party
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Looking back at my teenage years.. i realise i always missed out on the fun part.. lol. and especially some vides. haha. it always makes me laugh. of cos.. it might be abit "strange" in some ways to people.. (strange as in abit sadistic.. but then again its for the humor ! look beyond the dark parts.. ) lol. Anyway ! enjoy !! its family guy !!




oh yah.. jesus. im a christain. but still.. god's miracles does wonders.. dun u think ? it satisfied people.. this is what it means.. but of cos.. dun just look at the surface.. haha. enjoy the video :D

Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

Retired Joy
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
- One chalk mark $1
- Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,

"Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?

The little boy said, "I guess I'll kiss his ass and let him go."

New Year Resolutions For Pets
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

Cat Drink !

Easy. 2 steps only.

1. Cat.
2. Vodka and lemon.

ENOJY !! lol. ok this might be abit cruel.. but its for humor !! chill peeps !! hee :D

Boys .. Tsk Tsk!

A school kid was doing his exam questions on sciencem, smirking to himself as he was finishing the last question of the paper. He was totally confident of getting an "A" you see. But the last part of the question totally stunned him.

It ask, " Name the 4 benefits of breast-feeding. "

The school kid keep thinking and thinking hard.. and was about to give up on his "A" when he got a brainwave.. smiling even wider to himself.. he wrote down...

1. Cats cannot steal
2. No need to boil
3. Available when necessary.
4. Available in many attractive containers.

LOL !!!! told you he is a boy :D

Final Exams by Children
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Musicians go knocking!

How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster.
How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?
She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How can you tell that there's an accordionist at your front door?
He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your front door?
The doorbell drags.

How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door?
His hat says "Domino's".

Ok. Being a tutor sometimes, u get cute and interesting answers from ur students. especially if u are teaching pri. school kids.... BUT WOOO !!! THIS LOT TAKES MY BREATHE AWAY MAN.. enjoy it :D haha. ( if u can understand ) :D

Final Exams by Children
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Life as a Computer
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all
over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.

We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on "back".

Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".

If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

Speed Limit
A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....Cop :"Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde :"Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde :"Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.Cop :"Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde :"Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

AMAZING VENTRILOQUIST --- JEFF DUNHAM !!! haha. u got to watch this man, its hilarious !!

Jeff Dunham AND Achmed the Dead Terrorist




Jeff Dunham AND Walter - Part 1


Jeff Dunham AND Walter - Part 2


Jeff Dunham AND Walter - Part 3




Jeff Dunham AND Peanut - Part 1




Jeff Dunham AND Peanut - Part 2

Sign Language at Site
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was
saying that I needed a handsaw!''

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate!!" the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

Running Engines
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey . . . . Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris . . . "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Baby in the Cab
A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"

The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's in the wrong one.

First Date
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

First Date
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

State of the Art Watch
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Operation
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Beautiful and Cute
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You`re beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You`re cute."

"What happened to `beautiful`?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.